The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely. ~ C.G. Jung
Loving myself, if only some of the time has been my hardest
task in my life so far. Here’s the
thing- I know 100% of the times I’ve screwed up, made mistakes, let people
down, acted in ways that inspire cringe, dread and a range of emotions from
mild embarrassment to full on shame. So
if so many people are larking on about this loving yourself business- what the
func- what’s the function in loving ourselves?
Or course you know that was what I was alluding to in the title,
right? I specialize in a type of
psychology, which falls into the area of functional contextualism. This essentially is a complicated way of
saying I’m primarily interested in two things- function- what’s the point in a
particular action, what does it give or take from me in the long term? Context- in what settings am I more or less
likely to act in a particular way.
Often the argument against self-love, self-acceptance,
self-compassion (whatever you’d like to call it) is that “I don’t deserve
it”. And any of us can come up with
plenty of reasons for why we don’t deserve self-love. Or maybe I shouldn’t tar everybody off with
the same brush. I, personally, could
give you a long list of reasons why I don’t deserve self-love. I’m useless with money. I’m not a good enough daughter. I’m unbelievably bad at getting back to
e-mails. I commit to more things than I
can possibly do and inevitably let someone down, including myself. I’ve been talking about writing a blog for
three years and I’m only writing my first post now. And these are just five that I’m willing to
share with you right now. The truth is I
could complete a 50,000-word dissertation on why I am unworthy of
self-love. But I will spare you. This time at least.
Another common barrier is that we worry that if we love
ourselves we will become overly self-involved, self-indulgent or
self-obsessed.
Loving yourself… does not mean being self-absorbed or narcissistic, or
disregarding others. Rather it means
welcoming yourself as the most honored guest in your own heart, a guest worthy
of respect, a lovable companion. ~Margo Anand
It is virtually impossible to love ourselves without being
true to ourselves. The key here is
around connecting to our values regarding how we want to relate to ourselves,
others, and the world at large. What
lasting legacy do we want to leave?
There are important reasons (functions) behind why self-love
is a useful way of relating to ourselves in our lives. Psychological research, such as the research
conducted by Dr. Kristen Neff and Dr. Brené Brown, has shown us that if we go into a shameful
way of relating with ourselves e.g. “I am fundamentally unlovable because I am
such a procrastinating no-good excuse for a human being” that we are in fact
more likely to engage in the very action, in this case procrastination, that we
use as an excuse for not giving ourselves love in the first place. And the vicious cycle begins. “I’ll love myself when… I lose 20 lbs., am in the perfect
relationship, have written that book, have everything done on my to-do list… And the list can go on and on and on and
on.
What if self-love and self-compassion are the equivalent for
psychological growth that protein is for physical growth? What if we need to put loving fluid into our
tanks before we can go that extra mile, or maybe even before we can take that
first step? We would never expect a car
to run without fuel, yet we frequently expect this of ourselves. If what you have been doing isn’t working-
would you be willing to try something different?
Do the best you can
until you know better. Then when you
know better, do better. ~ Maya
Angelou
So we’ve had a look at function. While our mind might tell us that we need to
be a certain way in order to “deserve” self-love, our experience and research
often tell us that denying ourselves of self-love can exacerbate the
problem. Now, let’s take a look at what
contexts we can create to learn and apply self-love.
Ways to Practice Love
of Self
Most of the shadows in this life are caused by standing in one’s own
sunshine. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
v
Acknowledge common humanity- we all screw
up. We all make mistakes. We all let people that we know and love
down. We do it on many occasions. And so does everyone else. It can be useful to remind yourself “everyone
messes up, I am not on my own” and see if you can connect with a moment where a
loved one messed up and treat yourself the same way that you treated them.
v
Allowing your heart, values and integrity to be
your guide rather than a desire to please or placate others. When you make choices- check in to see are
these choices going to bring you closer towards who and where you want to
be? Or will these choices in fact bring
you further away from who and where you want to be?
v
“Choose discomfort over resentment”. I loved this saying when I first heard Dr. Brené Brown make reference
to it. Often we say yes when we really
want to say no out of a sense of obligation, or no when we really want to say
yes as we are hooked on some reason why we can’t do it. These choices often give us some relief. Yet this relief is often short-lived, quickly
replaced by resentment, which unfortunately can hang around like a bad smell.
v
Importance of seeing and listening deeply. Zen Master Thich Nhat Hahn speaks of the
importance of looking and listening deeply.
See if you can go below the surface of the situation/yourself and delve
into the heart of what’s going on in situations/yourself. He proposes that when we look at ourselves,
and others, at a shallow level- we see only faults. Yet, when we look more deeply- we are more
likely to witness common humanity and the many strengths we have.
v
Allowing ourselves to be seen and heard deeply
by others and ourselves. It follows that
it is not enough to see and hear deeply.
We also must be willing to allow ourselves to be seen and heard
deeply. Many of us, myself included, can
hide behind masks. We can find a false
sense of security in only showing certain parts of ourselves for fear of
rejection. Yet, often the parts we
expose are of the more shallow level, which is often judged by ourselves, and
others, harshly. And we protect and
therefore hide the hidden gems within.
v
Recognize that our emotions and bodily
sensations often hold important messages for us. It can be useful to slow down and connect
beneath the surface level of these feelings to what helpful messages they might
be trying to tell us. For example, this
past week I noticed the emotion of overwhelm that was about to tip into resentment
and bodily sensations in the forms of sore throat and general lethargy. When I tuned in I could see clearly that I
had overcommitted and spread myself too thin.
I could also see that I wasn’t getting a sense of freedom and joy any
more from these activities as I was doing things out of a sense of obligation
completely disconnected from the values underlying my actions. So I needed to make some uncomfortable moves
for me, which was lightening my load by pulling back from some things. Risking the potential to disappoint others in
order to be true to my inner core values.
v
Acknowledge that on the journey to loving
ourselves more, when engaged in fully, we may often love ourselves less
temporarily. Personally when I fully
showed up to who I was- warts and all- I found this difficult. I often found more reasons to reject myself
that to accept myself. To be willing to
recognize and acknowledge this- being accepting of my non-acceptance of myself
was the first important step. Wherever
you are currently is the perfect place to start putting loving fluid into your
tank so you can go that extra mile, or maybe even before you can take that
first step in that direction.
We are each gifted in a unique and important way. It is our privilege and our adventure to
discover our own light. ~Mary Dunbar
